Best Laughs of All Time- Part 2

In this “best laughs” episode part 2, enjoy some of Sue and Lisa’s favorite guest moments—along with a few of their own stories—the ones that had everyone laughing to the point of panic peeing. Remember Nancy, “Donald,” “Betsy,” and “Chrissy”?

From accidentally teaching kids the sign for orgasm instead of October… to calling in “sick” from a tropical island payphone and getting busted by a cruise ship horn… to sniffing Tootsie Rolls off the classroom floor—Sue and Lisa (and their guests) are laughing at themselves so you can laugh right along with them.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hi, I'm Lisa. And I'm Sue. After more than 35 years in the classroom, we've retired from teaching, but not from telling stories. We've shared our favorite school day tales, and now it's time to turn the spotlight on. Yes, us.

SPEAKER_03 0:14

These days, we're focused on growing older, but definitely not growing up. We still don't know what we didn't know. But you might pick up a life lesson or two between the laughs.

SPEAKER_01 0:24

Hopefully, you oldies out there will laugh with us, and you young whippersnappers will be prepared for what's to come. We didn't know what we didn't know.

SPEAKER_03 0:34

Life laughed.

SPEAKER_01 0:37

Hey, it's Sue here. Lisa and I are waiting to get back together to podcasts, but in the meantime, here's part two of Best Laughs of All Time. Enjoy. I was trying so desperately to help this little girl to learn some sign language, and I was trying to get her to understand how days of the week and months of the year are sometimes spelled out, or sometimes you kind of float them around in the air in front of you. So, like to say Friday, you make an F in sign language and you float it around from here. That's Friday. But October, you actually sign the letters O C T. So I was trying to get her to understand the difference between the floating and the moving around and spelling. And so I was like, okay, come on, little girl, let's learn October. And so I was signing the word orgasm. Oh, you take the little out. And yes, you kind of jiggle the shake it out. Take a little bit. You're supposed to. October, by the way, is OCT. Just spelled out in sign language of don't shake. Don't be shaking over because that's orgasm.

SPEAKER_04 1:54

Well, my husband and I would go on business trips for his work, and oftentimes they were during the school year, and so I would have to take off school. But I didn't want to use my personal days. Well, actually, I think maybe I didn't have enough to. And so I was calling into school every morning when we were on our trip.

SPEAKER_01 2:20

Here's the deal. We have to remember that back in the day you had to call in every morning if you were sick. And you had to sound sick.

SPEAKER_04 2:27

Yeah. I did. Yeah. So I happened to be like Tropical Island. And I had to take the ferry across this bay to get to a telephone. Or this was back then. And so I took the early morning ferry, got over there. There wasn't many people or anything, so I'm like, perfect, here's a payphone. So I did it at a payphone. I went to the payphone and school. And the secretary answered, and I'll just I gotta talk to the principal, the head guy, the boss. I'm still not feeling well. Not at all. So she transferred me because it was fancy. We had fancy phones. Transferring. I think she actually just yelled in, hey, pick up the phone! So hello! And as soon as he said hello, and I was about this is Nancy, all of a sudden. Right behind me was the bay where all of the cruise ships came in. Yes, it was very loud, and all I could do was just hang up.

unknown 3:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 3:52

What did you do? Did you call back? I did. I actually went into one of the little shops and I said, I'll buy a bunch of stuff here, but could I use your phone? And I'll use my that was when you had phone cards. I said, I'll I'll use my phone card, but I've got to make a private call. And so could I go in your back room? Like they took me back to their storeroom storage area. And I mean I'm sick, I won't be.

SPEAKER_03 4:19

You are busted. I was running late, which is very rare for me to ever be late to school. But I had to present actually at school for the staff. And every morning on my way to work, I'll call my mom. Hey no, how you doing? Love you. Goodbye. And I was panicking, and I so I dialed up the principal, and I'm like, oh, oh, I'm really sorry. I'm running late. I'll be like 10 minutes. I'm really sorry. Bye, love you. And like and as soon as it came out of my mouth, I'm like, and I'm like trying to turn off. I'm like, oh my god, oh my god! I'm trying to hit the phone and turn it off, and I'm like, oh my god. So I come in hot to school, like flying in and jump by the car. I'm like, okay, maybe it was just, you know, it was his voicemail. I'm like, maybe he didn't hear it, maybe he's already at the meeting. Okay, he didn't hear it. I'm like, how am I gonna, you know, sneak in his room and delete that or whatever. And I'm like, sit calm.

SPEAKER_01 5:16

It's not gonna work.

SPEAKER_03 5:17

And I I go into the meeting and I sit down and he's talking, and I'm just kind of sitting there and he's talking. All of a sudden, he kind of walks by in front of me and looks at me and hands me this little piece of paper. Oh no. Oh no.

SPEAKER_02 5:30

And and I'm looking and he kind of smirks and winks at me, and I open up and it says, I love you too. And I'm like, no, so embarrassing.

SPEAKER_01 5:46

I had a little gentleman who had a disorder, and I never knew what this was, but he left little tootsie rolls that smelled real bad. Little poop pellets. They were bigger than pellets. But the thing is, I mean that's gonna be cool, man. Did you do how you know? Did you like how did it follow the little trail?

SPEAKER_04 6:06

How did it get out?

SPEAKER_01 6:10

I don't know. All I know is there was a bag in his his backpack, and I had to help him. I know with clean underwear. It's not in my dad description. Okay. We never had a chance to really fully use the restroom, and I taught myself how to pee. Well, you all know I'm a notorious fast peer. I could no, you didn't know. I didn't know. Oh, well, time me. Ready? Go. Okay. Okay, I'm back. I could be at the front of the line and say, walk quietly, duck in the teacher bathroom, do the thing that you have to do, wash the hands pretty thoroughly, and be at the end of the line. It's kind of like one of those helicopters that flies over fires and just like open up. I've taught myself that. Teacher bladder.

SPEAKER_03 7:08

Tell us about teacher bladder. How come every time you sneeze, you cross your legs? I said, Do I? I didn't know that. That's weird.

SPEAKER_02 7:20

I have no idea. I do it, but I laugh really hard too.

SPEAKER_01 7:30

There were more bodily function stories than I thought. It's puking. Oh I don't do puke.

SPEAKER_04 7:36

I had one come back to my desk and say, this is it. And out it came, and most of it landed in my purse. Oh, really? Yeah. I tried to zip my purse from then on. Oh gosh. I got a new one. Dump it. Yeah, right to the car.

SPEAKER_01 7:57

I know there's $700 in here. I don't care.

unknown 8:00

Goodbye.

SPEAKER_01 8:01

Goodbye, purse.

SPEAKER_03 8:02

I didn't need those glasses anyway.

SPEAKER_01 8:07

Car keys always buy a new car. Your kids, they shouldn't seem surprised. They get to a certain age and they know I'm going to puke. And that's the beautiful thing about as they get older. Yeah. It's pretty rare for them to not just go first. So we have some questions, and you can win a million fake bucks. So here's Lisa with the first question. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 8:32

So, Donald, you are teaching fourth grade, and you have a science unit where you have to do different experiments with crayfish, and you end up with 26 crayfish, and it's now the end of the unit. They tell you you cannot let them go. Go, but you have to stop. You have to stop the spoilers of them.

SPEAKER_01 8:51

That's what crayfish boiled. That's your answer. Crayfish boiled. And okay, who would you have for the crayfish spoil? Would you have the children, the parents, just your family?

SPEAKER_00 8:59

Whoever bought tickets.

SPEAKER_01 9:02

A money. Oh, it's a huge sell. Would you like okay? Okay, that's really an excellent answer.

SPEAKER_00 9:09

It's a limited edition. There's only 26. So they're gonna go, like, you know.

SPEAKER_01 9:13

Okay, I like it. What what kind of fundraising activity would it be for?

SPEAKER_00 9:17

It's for the uh state administrative education department.

SPEAKER_01 9:22

Okay, so maybe take out one of those nice chairs. When you're not feeling well, you could sit in the nice chair and relax and take a little nap. Maybe, you know, one of those things.

SPEAKER_00 9:31

Oh, we have those already.

SPEAKER_03 9:33

Yeah, see. Um, by the way, we don't. We do not have nice. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 9:38

Yeah, that's why you need to be an educator administrator.

SPEAKER_03 9:41

We're gonna have to sell a lot of crayfish. Yeah, okay. I like it. Very good answer. You have a couple of questions. Here's another question. So it's the end of the year, teach in elementary school, fifth grade. The school has just really horrible paper towel doesn't clean. So you have this bag of rags from home from home that you kept. So you go to school and you're like, everybody, just grab out some of the rags so you can clean up the room. So the kids are grabbing the rags, and all of a sudden little kid comes up and holds and said, Did you mean to throw me this? And he's holding up your underwear. So still in the bonfire?

SPEAKER_00 10:16

So you say, No, well, no, you'd say it to him. You go, Well, I didn't mean to, because usually I can sell those on eBay. You really in this case, I won't I won't charge you for it.

SPEAKER_01 10:28

Oh, oh. Excellent. So you really ought to make a buck. We understand. Okay, we have a really education's all about. That's true. We have an excellent question here for you. This is a true scenario. Parent brings in a ginormous Nestle chocolate bar. It's about three feet long, two feet wide, and about three and a half inches thick. And the dad says, Could you please share this with the class? Yep. So what do you do?

SPEAKER_00 10:51

Pocket knife.

SPEAKER_01 10:52

Pocket knife. Are you sure inches thick?

SPEAKER_00 10:56

Why is it shave off 26 pieces for each of the crayfish kids? And then you give them a go. This is shared by Bobby's dad. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 11:07

Okay. And then do you what do you do with the leftover?

SPEAKER_00 11:10

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 11:11

Sell it on eBay. Sell it on eBay.

SPEAKER_07 11:16

All right.

SPEAKER_01 11:22

So you have a class hamster, and you've kept it in this glass aquarium, and you go in one day, and the kids are all clamoring to see the hamster, and you look at the cage, and the hamster is dead. Looks kind of like a sticker just stuck to the side of the cage. What do you do?

SPEAKER_05 11:37

First off, I would never have a hamster. Those are ugly. I don't like critters at all. I guess I put it on the custodian's office and put a poster note and say, Can you fix this? Well, that's an excellent answer.

SPEAKER_03 11:52

So Lita has a question for you here, Betsy.

SPEAKER_01 11:55

You're doing very well.

SPEAKER_03 11:56

Thank you for bringing it in there. How about this last one? It's Christmas, and a student brings in a gift for you, and it's a jar of homemade moonshine that they they brought to school. What do you do?

SPEAKER_05 12:06

That's what I'm drinking right now. Albi! Albie! So what do I do with it? I put it in the custodian's in the custodian's refrigerator at the end of the day. That's pretty good. I take it.

SPEAKER_01 12:22

Okay, but you would never drink it. You wouldn't drink it during the school day.

SPEAKER_05 12:26

Oh no, no, no. No. Definitely not. I'd stay for that when I get done with all those annoying little pit squeaks. Come on home and I drink myself into a super good place.

SPEAKER_01 12:36

All right. Well, Betsy, we want to thank you for helping us with the game show. We will be grading you off the air, and you can listen to our podcast and see how you do, all right. Chrissy, we have a question for you. This really happened to Lisa or to myself. You are standing in front of the classroom and the kids are coming in, and it happens to be pie day. Do you know about pie day? I do. Oh, very good. 2.14. That's right. Very smart. Okay. You have almost 30 kids in your class, and this child brings in a frozen raw apple pie and says, I want you to make this for the class. What do you do?

SPEAKER_06 13:16

I would say just dig in. I would say the frozen pie. Yeah, I would just say dig in. I mean, I'm not taking time out of my day to make it for you. Exactly. It's not, yeah. Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 13:33

It's not in the salaries to my job to say.

SPEAKER_06 13:37

I'm not dealing with the pie. I'm not dealing with the pie.

SPEAKER_01 13:39

Okay, very good. Excellent. I like that answer. Okay, we have another one. Have you ever had hamsters, Chrissy? Oh, you know, I actually have had hamsters. Okay, so you have a lot of love for hamsters. So you come you come in one day and you notice that the hamster has passed away in the night. Do you buy a new hamster? Do you try to fake it and tell the kids that he's on vacation? Do you just tell the kids what do you do?

SPEAKER_06 14:05

You know, I think I would just tell him that he's sleeping, um, hibernating, maybe, and then yeah, definitely buy a new look alike.

SPEAKER_03 14:14

Okay, the next day. Hibernation. Yeah. Very excellent. Hibernation. Okay, lastly, a kid comes up to you because they always love to hug you, and kid hugs you, and they're just embraced, and you look down and you see lice jumping all over in their heads. Hey lice, what do you do?

SPEAKER_06 14:30

Oh my gosh. Um you know, I would immediately order some lice shampoo immediately on Amazon. Yeah. Oh my gosh. I would probably have a panic attack as well. Yes. Yes. I'm afraid of lights. Okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 14:46

Okay. Well, at the moment, though, you know, the kids hugging, like, you shove them away. I mean, what do you what do you do?

SPEAKER_06 14:53

You know, at that point, I'd probably already have gotten a light.

SPEAKER_03 14:57

Suck it up. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 14:58

Christine, you would make a delightful taste. I hope I win.

SPEAKER_01 15:06

So any math teachers out there on March 14th, you deserve pie. May 4th. May the 4th be with you. Yes. Isn't that also a oh I don't know. She just made a sign of smoking at weekday. Weekday. Why is May 4th weekday time? I don't know. Maybe that's not a calendar. May the 4th day.

SPEAKER_03 15:27

It's Star Wars Day.

SPEAKER_01 15:29

Yeah. May the 4th to be with you.

SPEAKER_03 15:31

Yeah, that's Star Wars Day.

SPEAKER_01 15:32

So what is the day? You need to Google does this have anything to do with pot. May 4th, pot.

SPEAKER_03 15:39

Okay. May 4th day to celebrate weed or pot.

SPEAKER_01 15:46

Celebrate hot day. Pottery. You voted rated here.

SPEAKER_03 15:52

April 20th. April 20th is what is the day? It celebrates 420.

SPEAKER_01 15:58

That's why I got I was born at 4 like what does that mean?

SPEAKER_03 16:01

An international day to celebrate cannabis and advocate for its legalization.

SPEAKER_01 16:06

But what does the four and the twenty represent? The April 20th.

SPEAKER_05 16:13

I know.

SPEAKER_03 16:16

It's the day that it was internationally legalized.

SPEAKER_01 16:24

I have no idea. Okay, okay, okay. You know you're retired, elementary teacher, if you know four twenty is a hot day.

SPEAKER_03 16:43

Do not be you know you're an elementary teacher.

SPEAKER_01 16:52

Oh, I don't even want to say the next one because next one is such a depressing day.

SPEAKER_03 17:03

If you don't know this date, I mean who cares about Mildred Fish and her next day. Do you know what that's for?

SPEAKER_01 17:09

See, I never did. I didn't either. I taught it yesterday. We celebrated all the things. Yesterday, which is something in the library. Okay. I feel really bad at bringing this up now. She was from Milwaukee. Yeah, I knew that. And then she moved to Germany and married a German. That's right. And he and she helped Jewish people escape Nazi concentration camps. I know. Sorry. And she happy headed.

SPEAKER_03 17:41

That's cute! It's not even funny. It's just funny because we go from pie day to pod day to Mildred Fish Harnack. Oh, we had to know all the holidays.

SPEAKER_01 17:54

Google, it's like September 17th, or something like Google and Mildredfish harn egg, everybody at home, so we don't have to talk about it anymore. She was executed and so was her husband. I'm just saying, learn your history, okay? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 18:12

Oh yeah, those whole group incentives. Like the marble jar. Every time the class was good, a marble in the jar. Sounds sweet, right?

SPEAKER_01 18:21

Except then that one kid would ruin it. The teacher would be like, You're one marble away from a pizza party. And then Jake, stupid Jake, he spit a spitball. Oh no, it looks like we have to dump out the whole jar. Thanks, Jake. Yeah, the two mean teachers would stand there and go, What?

SPEAKER_03 18:39

They'd pour out all the marbles out of the jar, like, there, starting from the beginning.

SPEAKER_01 18:44

Well, they'd have like the word recess in letters, and then when you push them up. And again, that's kind of the style that I use.

SPEAKER_03 18:50

Yeah, like you'd you'd have mystery letters kind of like Wheel of Fortune. Not Wheel of Fortune. Is it Wheel of Fortune where Hannah like oh what's it called? Wheel of Fortune. Yeah, Wheel of Fortune. Where they've Hannah. Vanna White. Vanna White.

unknown 19:04

Vanna.

SPEAKER_01 19:05

Wow. Turn a turn a letter. It's only been out round about 35 years ago. I know. I hate those shows. I do so.

SPEAKER_03 19:11

I'm so bad at them. It could be literally one letter left, and I'm like, what is it? What is it? Um it would spell like an incentive. And then if they were all you if you walk up parallel to the nape, which is music arcad, then you get to turn over a letter, kind of thing like that.

SPEAKER_01 19:28

I'm sorry, you all were great, but Jake, you were allowed. No letter. Publishing.

SPEAKER_03 19:34

Uh forget Jake. Let's forget about Jake. Let's forget, let's talk about the teacher. If the teacher was in a mood, that jar wasn't getting filled, no matter what we did. And we could have solved world hunger and world peace. And they'd be like, eh, I'll give you a half a marble. Forget it.

SPEAKER_01 19:56

We don't need half marbles, so you get none. You get none. Remember back when um, well, I don't know if you remember this, having um, what is it called? When you got your period, what's that called? Give out you when you had PMS! That's another acronym. That's the problem with turning our age. So, no, PMS. If you had PMS, you'd be like, there are no sparkles. And the kids, I think they kind of got in sync with your cycle. No marbles to this. Uh marbles for the third week of each month. No, no sparkles. I know I'm being sexist, Lisa, but it's okay for a woman to say this is just not a man.

unknown 20:33

You know what?

SPEAKER_01 20:34

Did you know I never did a marble jar or any of those things. No, I I would there were occasions when we tried to spell something because they were really bad at assembly behavior. Yeah. So we would spell assembly or something, and they would say ass on the board. Ass for the longest time. So I'm like, let's stop. Ass. Because they're trying to like when you spell assembly, we'll get an extra reset. Yeah, yeah. You would try things like that. Just like overall, we'll know. We'll do we'll decide.

SPEAKER_03 21:01

Tell me for the love of God, can somebody please get the next laughter?

SPEAKER_01 21:04

Assy, assy, assum, assum, assum. I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 21:07

Yeah, all the old token economics.

SPEAKER_01 21:15

We hope you've had fun these last two episodes, reminiscing with us with our favorite laughs. The older we get, the harder it is to hold in our pee. Lisa and I will be together again soon and we'll record some more episodes about what it's like to age and still stay so fabulous. Until then, thanks for laughing. Thanks for listening to our podcast. We didn't know what we didn't know. Life laughs. We'll see you next time. Bye bye.